Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 18-year-old stepdaughter, “Vera,” has recently started college at the small university at which my husband works. We are not well off (we’re both college professors in the liberal and performing arts), but Vera is able to attend her current (very expensive) school tuition-free because of my husband’s tuition-waiver benefit, and has so far been happy there. She is taking out a modest amount in student loans to pay for campus housing and fees, and also has a part-time job on campus.
Prior to Vera starting college, she had always lived with her mother, with my husband having regular visitation weekends. My husband’s ex is deeply irresponsible, manipulative, callous, and cruel. But her behavior never crossed the line into legally actionable territory while Vera was growing up, and Vera remained close to her throughout adolescence. My husband and I did what we could to create a welcoming space for Vera and to curb the worst of her mother’s behavior, but did not attempt to purposefully undermine the relationship between Vera and her mother.
Fast-forward to the present, and Vera has come to my husband with news that her mother has begun demanding loans out of Vera’s own student loan money and the income from her campus job and has not been repaying them. Mom is on Vera’s bank account and is apparently just withdrawing this money for her and her boyfriend’s living and travel expenses. This is in keeping with the mom’s character and it is something I long predicted might happen. However, Vera is heartbroken, as her mother’s true colors have come fully into view for her, for perhaps the first time. She is also imperiled by her mother’s behavior, and my husband and I cannot afford to bail Vera out if her mother is permitted to blow through all that money.
But Vera is now an adult, and it is ultimately her prerogative to set the boundaries she wants with her mom. How do we best help her in this situation, beyond aiding her in setting up a new bank account and assisting her (if she wants) in the pursuit of whatever legal action she may eventually need to take (depending on how much her mother steals, and the legalities surrounding such activity)?
—I Knew This Was Coming
Dear Knew,
How sad and upsetting for your stepdaughter! The very idea of just helping yourself to your child’s student-loan money is so repulsive that it makes me wonder if there isn’t something particularly dire going on in her mother’s life, something that is making her desperate. Not that that’s your problem—but it might continue to be your stepdaughter’s problem.
Every child eventually has the difficult experience of learning just how human her parents actually are—of being disappointed by them and realizing, Oh, they’re flawed people too, just like me. If your husband’s ex truly is the nightmare you paint her to be, no doubt your stepdaughter has had inklings for years, but this is a quite a way to have one’s fears confirmed. All she needs from you right now is a supportive set of parents to love her unconditionally, to give her a safe family space to visit, and to ask her nontraumatic questions like “What are you reading in English class this week?”
What she doesn’t need is a stepmother who’s performing an end-zone celebration upon hearing that her predecessor is as giant a fuck-up as she’s always suspected. I don’t at all doubt that your concern and love for your stepdaughter are real, but your smug satisfaction at this turn of events is coming off your letter in waves. It does your stepdaughter no good that you “knew this was coming,” so shut all that down before your stepdaughter becomes convinced that you’re positively delighted that her mom screwed her over. And for cripes’ sake, do not encourage this girl to file charges against her own mother! Good grief.
Want Advice From Care and Feeding?
Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. It’s anonymous! (Questions may be edited for publication.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am Mom to two boys, Adam (7) and Jacob (5). I admit I always hoped they would be close, if not each other’s best friend. But the reality is that Adam has little use for his brother. They do get along sometimes, but there is a lot of sibling rivalry, with Adam accusing his father and me of “playing favorites.” I have tried my best to explain to Adam that I love them both the same, but that I have different expectations of them because they are different people, and Adam is older. Still, whenever the boys fight and we split them up, Adam always yells about Jacob being “the favorite.”
Adam has his own friend group. When they are playing, I try to keep Jacob occupied so that he doesn’t bother the older boys. But I have told Adam that he cannot exclude his brother when the boys are playing in a public place like the park or at the pool. Nonetheless I have overheard him telling Jacob “You can’t play with us” and “This is for big kids only” when the place/activity has no age restriction. It breaks my heart for Jacob. I have always taught both boys that it is important to be kind and for everyone to feel included.
Over Thanksgiving break, Adam’s teacher sent home a folder of his work. I looked through it and found something troubling: a drawing with the prompt “I am thankful for my family” with three people under it, labeled “Mom, Dad, and Me.” I asked Adam why he did not include his brother in the drawing of his family and he did not have a good answer for me. I don’t know how to handle this. I feel like I need to give Adam some kind of consequence so that he knows this behavior is unacceptable. My husband disagrees, and says it’s ridiculous to punish our son over a silly drawing.
—It’s Not Silly to Me
Dear It’s Not,
Poor Adam! He was just not feeling that thankful for his little brother the day he made that drawing, a feeling to which any older siblings can certainly relate. He didn’t know his mom would be so hurt by it.
Poor Jacob! He wants to be with his big brother so much, but at those ages a two-year gap can feel as wide as the Grand Canyon.
And poor you! We parents want our children to love each other as wholeheartedly as we love each of them. But brothers don’t see each other as precious treasures, gifts from Heaven, the human beings who give their lives meaning, etc. They see each other as an annoying pest who’s always messing up his game (on the one hand) and as a big jerk who never lets him play (on the other).
I urge you to find some family activities that the two of them enjoy together, and that you enjoy as well—activities where the age gap matters less, and where you can keep an eye on things and make sure everyone’s having a good time. Try some cooperative board games you can all play together, or bring them to a soccer match, or take the boys on a hike. It doesn’t matter what it is, in the end—the goal is to help Jacob get a little of the connection he so apparently craves, while also demonstrating to Adam that it is, in fact, possible to have fun while doing something with your little brother.
Because, honestly, there is no particular reason the typical 7-year-old would think that is the case. It’ll be a long time before this child is old enough to have the kind of perspective that would allow for the gracious acceptance of a noodgy, needy kindergartner intruding upon fun time with pals at the pool. Instead of forcing them both into this difficult situation, you might consider finding ways to make Jacob’s entertainment in these public places someone else’s problem: yours, probably, but finding some 5-year-old friends who also like the pool would help a lot.
And please—let yourself off the hook. These are totally normal ways for brothers to feel and to interact. There’s a very good chance that, as they get older, their relationship will evolve into the kind of closer sibling affection you dream of. For now, to the best of your ability, you need to stop viewing their age-appropriate sibling rivalry as a mandate on your parenting. Your son leaving his brother off a school drawing is not evidence that you’ve failed, or that your son is unnaturally cruel—or even that he doesn’t love his brother in his own way! It is not worth making a big deal over, and it is definitely not a punishable offense.
Catch Up on Care and Feeding
• If you missed Monday’s column, read it here.
• Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I lost my teenage son to a drunk driver six months ago and I’m still heartbroken about him. I think about him a lot, and often expect to see him in crowds or coming down the stairs in the morning. I’m trying not to be clingy in my grief with my older son, especially because his grief is anger right now, but I text him often and visit him at school every month. I’m definitely still grieving and I think in a lot of ways I always will be.
That said, I made some life choices based around what I thought would be best for my kids, and now that my older son is in college and my younger son is gone, I’m changing them. My kids’ dad isn’t abusive, he’s just very good at being at work as soon as anyone in our family needs anything from him. Grief is no different—I know he’s sad but I haven’t seen him express it much. We’ve been to counseling in the past, which basically only revealed his infidelity and unwillingness to do anything but show up.
I know people argue about whether “staying together for the kids” is a good idea or not, but my parents didn’t, and my childhood was chaotic and poor in a way that I wanted to avoid for my kids. With him in the picture, our kids had opportunities and stability I couldn’t manage on my income alone. But since that’s over, I filed for divorce a couple of months ago, and moved out recently. It’s been weird but there’s a lot of joy in getting to make my own choices just for me.
I was shocked to find my ex was angry—the most emotion I’d really seen from him in years. But my son was really, really angry, accusing me of using his brother’s death to abandon our entire family. I’m so sad—I don’t know how to tell him the truth without getting way too messy about his dad, and I do love him very much. What can I do?
—Not Staying Together for the Kids Anymore
Dear Not Staying,
I’m so sorry about your son’s death. It’s not at all unusual for families to experience dramatic change in the wake of a tragedy like that, and yours has gone through a lot. Your older son’s words hurt, I’m sure, not because they’re true, exactly, but because the truth is legible behind your son’s angry interpretation of events. You didn’t abandon your entire family because your child died. Indisputably, though, your child dying did spur you into making a dramatic decision.
That’s not to say it wasn’t long necessary, or that you were wrong to do it. But that’s a lot for your son to process in the six months since his brother’s death. So when you discuss it with him, you’ll get nowhere if you try to claim that the two events were unrelated. His anger and grief have given him X-ray vision, and he’ll see right through you.
It’s not necessary for you to be overly blunt about your ex, but your son is in college and is old enough to know the truth about how you feel. That means, first and foremost, that you love him, you will always love him, you love and miss his brother, you will always love and miss his brother. It also means that you can tell him you were long unhappy in your marriage, and that though you did, indeed, make this decision close in the wake of your son’s death, that tragedy was the catalyzer, not the cause.
All this will be hard to talk about, and hard for him to hear. I think you could really benefit from joining your son for family therapy, to give both of you a safe and mediated space to talk through these difficult feelings. I wish the best for all three of you.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m not really looking for advice, just hoping to project some positivity about in-laws. I’ve been married about 20 years. There were times over our marriage, when we were all younger, when I had to greatly distance myself from my parents and my wife from hers. I left home at 16 and it took me some years to get over how I was raised. My wife went through a similar path.
We are fortunate that the driving force in both of our families is love. This has enabled all of us to admit, reconcile, apologize, and forgive, which has brought us to where we are now. I love my in-laws and my wife loves my parents. Our parents even love each other, and we all enjoy spending time together. It’s pretty awesome when my parents cross the country for their yearly visit (we live close to my in-laws). When they’re here we get at least a few amazing times with all of the family and in-laws together!
That is all, just thought it would be nice to see a positive letter about in-laws.
—Not All In-Laws Suck All the Time
Dear All the Time,
Thank you for sending this letter! It was just what I needed to read after a tough set of questions this week. It’s true that almost every advice column on earth becomes a kind of clearinghouse of in-law gripes: pushy MILs, rageful FILs, obtuse DILs, uptight SILs. We get all kinds! But in fact many people—indeed, I would venture to guess, most people—find joy and fulfilment in their relations-by-marriage. We’re grateful to have stumbled into these bonus families, grown adults who learn to care for us and all our adult foibles. And we love having people in our lives who share our very high opinions of our spouses, our children, etc. My mother-in-law might find me annoying sometimes, but we come together in agreeing that my children are perfect and her daughter is the greatest.
So let’s hear it for in-laws, in all their glory! We’ll return to our regularly scheduled stories about insufferable, horrible in-laws next week.
—Dan
More Advice from Slate
I’m a straight woman in my 20s and until recently was dating a man in his early 30s. Despite our chemistry, he broke up with me because he wants to have children and I don’t—not in the near or distant future. I do not dislike children. I simply don’t want any of my own, and I have always been vocal to my partners about this. This experience with the somewhat older man has left me questioning my worth as a romantic partner. I’m wondering if as I get older and all the men I date are out of their 20s, my answer to “Do you want to have kids?” will make me undesirable to them. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on changing your mind about starting a family because you love someone. If one partner is unsure about having kids but does so anyway, is the whole thing doomed from the start?
